Unexpected

Today's Wordfull Wednesday topic:

"One thing I've learned from motherhood that I never expected to learn."

It's a matter of strength. Growing up I had a relatively easy life. I was never confronted with anything that tried and tested my own convictions and ideals. Now...I have learned (and continue to learn) what I'm made of. 

I want what's best for my children, and if that means suffering through a year of painful nursing, so be it.

If that means dragging them to church every Sunday for 3 hours, smack in the middle of nap-time, so be it.

If I have to say "No" fifty times when it would be easier to say "yes", so be it.

I have "broken down" quite a few times in these past three years and have thus learned more about how to pick myself up, dust off, and try again than I ever thought possible. When I stop to think about it, I'm pretty impressive! Am I boasting? It might seem that way, if I were to stop here. But you see, there's another side to this coin.

It's a matter of weakness. Growing up I had a relatively easy life. Whatever weaknesses and challenges I had seem trivial as I look back. Now...I have learned (and continue to learn) that I need help.

I want the best for my children, and that means I need help and guidance from a far higher power.

That means I pray harder than I've ever prayed before.

That means I throw all MY plans and expectations out and follow HIS perfect way for me and my family. 

As a mother I have experienced more feelings of fear and incompetence than I ever expected. But as I turn to the Lord he fills me with faith, love, courage, and strength. More than I can ever comprehend!

As Ammon testifies in Alma 25, so it is with me:

"I do not boast in my own strength,

nor in my own wisdom; but behold,

my joy is full, yea, my heart is brim 

with joy, and I will rejoice in my God.

Yea, I know that I am nothing;

as to my strength I am weak; therefore

I will not boast of myself, 

but I will boast of my God, for in his

strength I can do all things."

There Once Was A Girl...

"There once was a girl

Who had a little curl

Right in the middle of her forehead.

When she was good

She was very very good

But when she was bad she was horrid."

I don't know who actually wrote this. I want to say Mother Goose. One day, when I was little (maybe 10), I noticed a curl. This was strange for me because my pin straight hair never curled for anyone, and yet there it was, right in the middle of my forehead. I was so happy about it! Of course I showed it to my mother and she immediately quoted the above Nursery Rhyme. I loved it even better! I had a poem to go with my curl! Of course I didn't like to think that I could ever be "horrid". I wondered what "horrid" would look like. Mostly I pictured screaming and whining and stomping feet. 

Time passed. Some days my curl would visit, but mostly things stayed straight. I decided that when the curl appeared it was giving me permission to be "horrid". One curly day I tried to think of what to do - that lasted all of 30 seconds! It was way to much work to try and think up ways to be mean, nasty, and horrid! I just went ahead as usual, no screaming, no whining, no stomping feet. After that I decided I wanted to be more like the "very very good" part, and left it at that.

More time passed, years and years. The curl came back every now and then but never stayed for long. This year is different. My curl seems to be visiting for an extended vacation. What is going on?! One spot of frizzy curl, standing out for all to see! It will be interesting to see how long his lasts.

My Favorite Color?

I have never really had a favorite color...ever. No certain shade has claim on my heart, I love all color. But the question "What's your favorite color?" is asked so often in a lifetime. How have I answered that? Sometimes I plain old tell them that I don't have one. But I have noticed that this answer puts a small wrench in the unassuming, getting-to-know-you type of conversations. They ask for color and they get nothing! So I usually reply with "green". I love green, but I mostly give that answer because green is my mothers favorite color and I love my mother.

This is trivial, I know! But if I don't even know the small parts of me how will I ever see and understand the bigger picture of myself! So I looked around my home and found some color. Right now I tend toward the aqua blue, teal, green and browns.

Obviously more then one color, but I'm not too worried about the technicalities! And I fully expect that the colors to which I am drawn will change throughout my life. So...

Q: "What's your favorite color(s)?"

"We have to decide what is important and then move along"

"We women have a lot to learn about simplifying our lives. We have
to decide what is important and then move along at a pace that is
comfortable for us. We have to develop the maturity to stop trying
to prove something. We have to learn to be content with what we are."
— Marjorie Pay Hinckley

 

I feel like a how a caterpillar must feel when it is turning into a butterfly. I think it was happy being a caterpillar, eating and crawling and munching. But it soon felt the need for more, like it needed to be different, better. And there is a perfect plan for this caterpillar to change and become something more. It follows that plan and ends up in a cocoon. It's in there for a long time, and it must be uncomfortable, and maybe even painful. Does the caterpillar ever wish it had just stayed a caterpillar? Does it wonder if the change is worth it? Is it worried about what other bugs will think of it? It has to stay there, all wrapped up, to the very end. There is no backing out of this metamorphosis.

 

I'm in my 'cocoon'. Feeling like the Lord is molding and changing me. My wants and desires for myself and my family need to be His wants and desires for myself and my family. My testimony has always been such where I said I would go and do all that the Lord required of me. But I feel like I am finally putting that faith into action. I'm finally beginning to let go of my 'caterpillar' self. Every now and then I panic and want to go back, because forward seems hard and different. But it's also beautiful. I'll wait it out. I'll be uncomfortable but I decide to change. I might even worry what other people might think of me, but my Saviors opinion matters most.

 

Sometimes I wonder if I will ever reach the "end" and come out a perfectly delicate and beautiful butterfly. I will! We all will! There is a perfect plan for each of us, and I'm not just talking "scriptures, and prayers, and going to church". But through personal revelation Heavenly Father will let us know what to learn and do in our individual lives, our individual families. So, what am I getting at? My own personal revelation.

We are going to Home school our children.

Honestly

I will be 28 this year. I am Married. I have two beautiful kids. And I live with my in-laws, in their basement. In fact we have been living in this basement for almost 4 years. It was just the two of us, me and my husband, when we talked about it, prayed about, and spoke with his parents about it. We moved in with the "plan" of staying for only a year. My husband was going to focus on his computer modeling skills so he could get a job in that field.

Did I want to live with parents again (we lived with my parents our first year married so I could finish school)? No. But I told you we prayed about it. Crazy, I know! But we actually felt like it was the right thing to do. I still look back on that guidance for strength. The Lord knew our "plan" for one year wasn't going to work out, he had a different plan for us, as is usually the case.

So what happened?! We had a baby, and my husband realized he needed to go to school. My husband hates school. I know, "hate" is a strong work but it pretty much covers his feelings on the subject. But he is doing it, and I love him all the more for it! He works the early morning shift in a retail job, comes home too tired to do anything, and then tries to focus on something that he really doesn't like. All so he can someday support his family independently for the rest of his life. He must really love us!!

And this is our story. We are dirt dirt poor, living with our parents, and of course we decided to have another baby! I am learning all kinds of things about myself, mostly my faults, but also my strengths. I am usually careful, in writing and talking with people, to keep our living situation to myself. If they don't need to know, they don't need to know. Of course there are feelings of embarrassment and paranoia (wondering what "other people" think), but Heavenly Father is helping me to overcome this 'fear of man'.
  

Like and Don't Like

A Couple of Lists

Some Things I Like:

• Reading
• Photography
• Cooking
• Cleaning
• Aprons
• Learning
• Teaching
• Gardens
• Music
• Singing
• Windows
• Naps
• Laughing

 

Some Things I Don't Like:

• Black snow
• Bad language
• Spiders in the house
• Dunken Donuts commercials (America does NOT run on Dunken!)
• Cranky pants

10 Things About Me

1.  I really like peanut butter. I have eaten it almost every day for the past three years. When I don't have it I feel like I'm missing something that day. Lately I have happily switched to the "natural" kind. Seeing all the sugars and oils in the normal versions makes me gag. I know they are cheaper, but I don't need all that extra junk. Just give me those ground up peanuts!

2.  I have lived in Australia. I moved with my family when I was 13 and we were there for almost 4 years. It was a beautiful and wonderful place. Unfortunately I was too moody and selfish to really appreciate it.

3.  I am a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints, and I love it! I know it is the true and full Gospel.

4.  I love horses. I suppose I am an "animal lover" by definition, but horses have always been on the top of the list. I clearly remember getting all the horse books from the library as a child. Horses are cheap in Australia and my parents were awesome enough to get me one (or two :). I learned to ride English style. I loved the whole experience but will be the first to admit that I did not live the experience to the fullest. We moved back to the States and I found a job at a horse barn. I learned allot.

5.  I have been using Yoga and Pilates as pain management. Since my epidural headache from having Evelyn, I still have trouble with back and head pain (and or pressure). Thankfully it has become more of an annoyance than an all out pain, but without stretching, strengthening, and relaxing, that situation is quickly reversed.

6.  I graduated magna cum laude with a Bachelor of Science, Pre-Physical Therapy. Obviously my intent was to become a Physical Therapist, but we know how things change with motherhood.

7.  With that education I was able to dissect a cadaver. Yes, it's true, I have seen the insides of the human body first hand. Another amazing experience that I wish I had appreciated more. Can I name all muscles and functions of our body? No, I need to brush up on my anatomy.

8.  I would say that 'singing' is one of my talents. Although singing in public without making a fool of myself is not.

9.  I used to make tiny teddy bears. We're talking maybe 2 inches tall, with moving arms, legs, and head! They were amazing! And of course I gave them away as presents and have none for myself. They looked like this.

10.  I have two of the cutest and best kids in the world! Plus my husband is hot and awesome. :)

Making It Clear

I made a list of things to cover in my self evaluation. I thought I would share the bare bones of it here, just to make my purpose a little more clear. I came up with five different, but intertwining, areas to "evaluate" about myself. My hope is to really define myself and my purpose. I plan to be random, to follow the Spirit, and to create attainable goals that will improve mine and my family's life. Here are the categories, in no certain order.

• Who Am I
• What I Want to Accomplish
• What a Want to Learn and Do
• My Spiritual Health
• My Physical Health 

It would be nice to set aside a certain day to consistently post on this project of mine, but I don't need that pressure. Time to myself is not something that can be planned right now. So I will set the goal of at least one post a week. So follow me on this journey if you want! I welcome your comments and input!

Self Evaluation

I have decided that I need to take stock of who I am. Maybe I'm a little late on the whole "self-discovery" thing, but everyone has there own time to blossom. I realize that I have been a very "go-with-the-flow" type of person, tending to cater my actions to fit the people and mood of the moment. I have been changing though, and feel like I am at a transition point. Like I need to make some decisions (soon) about my character, and my hopes for myself and my family, that will affect and maybe even guide me for years to come. I figure I had better prepare myself so I can go into this next 'phase' with more confidence. Plus, I feel strongly that this is something my Heavenly Father wants me to do, and He knows best.

I found this quote a long time ago while preparing for a lesson or a talk for a group of Young Women.

"You owe it to yourself to make an extra effort to discover, in every detail possible, who you really are - to discover your eternal potential in God's plan." - Elder Robert C. Oaks

Every time I read it I feel like I'm missing out on myself and my full potential. What an awful feeling! And how sad that it has taken me this long to make the extra effort in discovering myself and my divine potential as a daughter of God. Don't get me wrong, I am not starting from "square one". As a member of The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter Day Saints there are some amazing things that I know about myself and what I am capable of as a child of God. Maybe this is my way of tackling the next step on my staircase of life. The previous steps felt uniform and comfortable. This next one seems higher and more awkward, but worth the extra climb.

I'm blogging about it because it creates accountability for me to stay focused, and I need focus. Maybe I'll help someone along the way and that would be awesome. Maybe I'll offend someone, which wouldn't be awesome. Let me be clear in saying that I am doing this for me. My thoughts, my experiences, my opinions. I don't mean to offend or make anyone feel uncomfortable, but I am hesitant to apologize for anything I might share. My goal is to be totally honest with myself, about myself. I don't know how long this will take but I'm thinking months. I won't be posting every day, and I will still write about normal things every now and then. I guess this is just a heads up to whoever cares, and a beginning to my journey of Self.