I have never had a problem with this. Going to stores, out to the theater, whatever, it just doesn't tempt me. I have no problem with going to church, visiting with family or friends, taking a nap.
But lately I've been having trouble with my feelings toward Sundays. Our meeting starts at 1 p.m., which means we have to wake the kids up from their nap or they don't have one at all. We're always late. Then we try hard to keep the cranky kids reverent during an hour of people speaking on Gospel topics. Honestly, I have not been able to pay attention to these talks (and thus be spiritually moved by them), for a good 3 or 4 years. I reconciled myself on that point awhile ago, going to church is what Heavenly Father wants us to do, it's important, and we are teaching that to our kids, one rowdy Sunday after another. One day our kids will sit quietly through the whole hour, not needing any other form of entertainment in order to keep them from screaming and running for the exit. Right?
First hour is over and we're off to our separate classes. Breath easy? Nope! My husband and I teach 6 of the 12 "Sunbeams". These are kids in the 3-4 age range, who are brand new to Primary. We spend the next hour repeating things like "keep your hands to yourself", "You should come back and sit in your chair", "shhh, listen. Let's sing this song", and occasionally I tell them "I want my mommy too". We also do allot of running around with potty breaks, or literally to chase a child back into their seats. All with the greatest love and care of course.
The last hour. A little more relaxing with just us teachers and the kids. But they're bouncing off the walls, too loud to talk over, and you know they will never really remember what you're trying to teach. A few times I tried to be really prepared with the lesson, but I learned that the kids pay the same amount of attention (which isn't much) whether you spent hours preparing or just 10 minutes. The time drags on because you've run out things to do, but finally it's over.
So, the past 3 or 4 months of Sundays have basically been 3 hours of babysitting. And I'm pretty sure it will be this way for awhile. I've been quite disgruntled over it. I still am I guess. Maybe it's because I have this silly notion that Sundays, going to church, should somehow refuel my spiritual tanks and prepare me to face the next week of exhausting, never-ending, parenting. Hopefully with patience and joy and understanding. I realize that's allot to expect from 3 hours once a week. Especially when it's really my job to do that every day. Fill my oil lamp one drop at a time, as much as I can, whenever I can, my whole entire life. See? I know that. In fact I pretty much always know the answers to such dilemmas (we all do), but it takes awhile for me to acknowledge it. Lets face it, realizing that the problem is yourself, and then working to change that is much harder than just complaining about it. Harder - yes. But also much healthier, and happier.
So I'll try harder throughout my weeks. I actually do pretty good with daily prayer and scripture study, but I'll admit that it feels a little stale and routine. I think I will also try to make Sundays better. I've been "keeping the sabbath" but I've pretty much lost the "holy". It's in there somewhere! I know I have a problem keeping such things on the forefront of my mind but I'm going to try really hard with this one. Luckily Sundays come around quite regularly and so will be a great reminder for me to try and find the "holy" in everyday. One drop at a time.
1 comment:
Oh my friend, I know EXACTLY how you feel. I have struggled since having kids to feel close to the spirit and thus, close to God. I tell myself that I just need to make it through my kids being toddlers...but will I really do it after they are older? If I'm not doing it now, will I then? Knowing the answer and acting on it are two very different things, like you said. I needed to read this post...thank you for it.
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