Motherhood is...

I have learned allot in the past two months and I know I have a heap of learning and experiencing still ahead. I can in no way truly define Motherhood with all of its beautiful facets. The meaning of this life course is different for each person and continues to grow and change for even the grandest of Grandmothers. And so here I would like to share what I have thus far found Motherhood to be for me. The following is in no certain order, story of my life!

Motherhood is cold french fries. Eating a hot meal or non-soggy cereal proves to be difficult these days. Either he wakes up needing his "food" just as I sit down with mine, or I find myself playing "entertainer" between bites. I guess I don't really mind, I used to though! When I get hungry I tend to get a little cranky, besides don't I need to eat so I can continue to make good milk for my baby?! Well...yes, but I don't need to eat FIRST. Once I acknowledged this, and the fact that it really is not that big of a deal, I was able to relax and more fully enjoy the experience of nursing. I don't get so cranky when I'm hungry now.

Motherhood is the longest day. You know how each day is separated by a night? Well, this separation tends to blur and maybe even disappear all together at times, leaving you with a continuous and, yes, very long day. The first three or four weeks home from the hospital are perhaps the worst. I read somewhere that the first week or so of caring for a new baby is run on adrenaline, after that you are left with exhaustion (and I would say a slight touch of insanity). In this day that lasts for weeks I was able to nap here and there, just enough to keep me going...almost. I was quite envious of the six or so hours of straight sleep my husband got, but soon realized it was a blessing to have him well rested so he could help more when the sun came up. Little John sleeps much better at night now, sometimes he won't sleep right away but he seems to know that darkness means quiet time and so he lays there, looking at the slight shadows cast by the night-light. Every now and then he lets out a soft sigh which leaves me wondering what's on his mind. We still get up for a couple of feedings but they go so smoothly and quickly. A flash of annoyance pops up at times but quickly burns out when I think of how it used to be.

Motherhood is insomnia. I suppose I will continue on this stream of sleep, or lack of it. Yes, I get more sleep at night now, leaving me feeling refreshed and full of energy I never thought I would have again! The down side? I frantically move from one project to another, trying to "catch up" on whatever I feel has been lagging. Nap? Oh no, no time for a nap, besides I still feel pretty good! After days like these I end up laying in bed with my mind racing from one thing to another, getting very frustrated that every minute awake is a minute I am not asleep. I'm so tired that I can't sleep?!! It's possible! On top of this my mind perks up at every sound the little guy makes, or doesn't make, ready to jump up to clear his throat of spit or check that he is still breathing. I say a little prayer, slow my thoughts to a crawl and eventually fall asleep.

Motherhood is an early morning slow dance. There is an upside to waking up at 2 and 5 in the morning. I feed him with sleepy eyes, he eats with sleepy eyes, we do a quick and quiet diaper change and then he snuggles into my chest, falling asleep with a wonderful feeling of contentment and safety emanating from him. As I rock from one side to the other, slowly patting his back, I soak up that feeling and wonder what I ever did without him.

Motherhood is fierce. I want the best for my baby, every mother does. In my mind "the best" includes breast feeding. I read all about the benefits of breastfed babies growing up healthier and having higher IQ's than those who were fed with formula. In effect I must have brain washed myself into thinking that if I can't breastfeed my baby for every feeding I was failing him in some way. So, out came the baby and I felt I was ready for the next step of feeding him. Little did I know that this is when the real pain would begin. Some women have no trouble or pain with breastfeeding, I am so happy for them! Then there are women like me, oh the pain! Toe curling pain! Every nurse and lactation consultant confirmed that we were doing it right and then sympathized with me when seeing my contorted face with each suck. Perfect time to stop and give him a bottle? NO! My baby gets the best! Soon I developed problems other than the pain. He would eat on one side and I would have to pump on the other, here we would have to supplement with a little formula so he would be full. OK, but he is still getting most of his milk from me! Not to gross anyone out, or make them feel uncomfortable, but did you know that a nipple can scab over? By this time I was resigned to the pain, but this really freaked me out. Bottle? NO! I make the milk in this house! The worst part though was not the pain or the precious time I spent pumping instead of sleeping, it was when he was screaming with hunger, but for some reason unknown couldn't, or wouldn't, eat from me. Rejected by my own baby?! I cried allot those first weeks. I prayed allot too. I am happy to say that we are now a highly functioning nursing team! Sure we have our mishaps here and there, but little John is growing and developing in the healthy, normal way! No more pump and no more pain! Well, maybe a little pain. Was it worth it? Heck yeah! Breastfeeding is a beautiful thing and I love it! Not to mention it is much cheaper and more convenient. But just so you know, I think formula is a fine and dandy way to go too.
Not only do I want the best for my baby, I also want to protect him (naturally). Living in a basement hasn't been that bad, until all these spiders moved in with us! I suspected I was getting bitten at night because I would wake up with red itchy spots on my chest, neck and sometimes face. Well, one night I woke up due to a tickle on my neck...I sleepily brushed my hair away...then I felt a tickle on my arm...not so sleepy anymore! I brushed the shadowy spot from my arm in panicked haste, found the flashlight and searched where in might have landed, plus the bed sheets and under the pillows. I didn't get much sleep that night. Yes, it scared me more than spiders have ever scared me before, and has left me with more of a phobia than I thought I would ever have. But then there's little John. We wrap him up so snugly for bed and I imagined spiders crawling on his head and face like they thought it was okay! Well it's not okay! Therefore, death to all spiders!! After my initial hesitation of fear when I see these brown or black beasts I remember my baby and promptly squish it with satisfied enthusiasm. Sometimes I will even leave the little corpse where it died for a day or so, to warn any of its friends. That may not really work but it makes sense to me!

Motherhood is laugh-out-loud-hilarious! From his wobbly bobble-head when we sit him up, to the chuckle he lets out whenever he's asleep! When he gets on a roll "talking" to us we have fabulous conversations, he says the funniest things. He is a self proclaimed hair critic, every morning he gazes at my bedhead and smiles from ear to ear! It's even funny when he "sprays" us during a diaper change! Or when he decides to do #2 in the middle of a changing. I've gone through 3 diapers in one changing, more than once, and not one of them got closed around his little bottom! I think I laughed the hardest when projectile poo flew over the changing table and onto the floor! It may not have been as funny if it was me doing the changing instead of John! But he laughed too. Part of life! May as well get a chuckle out of it. :)

Motherhood is worry. I thought I worried allot before having a baby! I was wrong, now I worry allot. My pregnancy went by without complication and delivery seemed promising as well. However, when both the nurse and doctor continued to look at the monitor of his heartbeat with anticipation I knew something was wrong. When the doctor told us she was worried about his heart rate being so high for such an extended amount of time I waited to find out what that meant for us. My worry begins. Emergency C-section was the answer. Before a whole team came in to whisk me off to surgery and John out to get changed into scrubs, we asked for a moment alone. John gave me a blessing. With the noise of monitors and people discussing what needed to be done I could hardly hear what he said, but I received a distinct impression that I didn't need to hear in order for its power to take effect. Everything would be fine, somehow. And it was! I was transferred and strapped to the surgery table when they monitored little Johns heart rate again...it was perfectly normal! After a 30 minute monitor of this normal heartbeat we were taken back to our room and continued to deliver our wonderful son. The medical staff were amazed, John and I were grateful.
Now, I don't worry over every little thing. Maybe a better way to explain it would be to say that when a 'worry causing' situation comes up, my worry is much more intense. And with that intensity comes a reliance on the Lord to match. There's only so much I can do, yet another great lesson.

Motherhood is selfless. I have thought more than once that being a mom, taking care of this little life, is the hardest thing I have ever done. It's true, and I have discovered the reason. Because it is not about ME. I didn't know I was selfish until I had a baby. For awhile I felt like a fiery ball of frustration and anger, exhausted and totally used up. I prayed for help, I prayed for strength, I prayed for understanding. The answer? I was still trying to do all the stuff I wanted to do, instead of concentrating on what really needed to be done -- take care of that baby! Life is so much easier, so much less frustrating, so much more beautiful, when I take care of his needs first.

Hmm...motherhood is allot of things. I could go on, and thought that I would but this is long enough for now. It has taken me about 3 days to write and caused an elevation in my stress levels as I run from computer to baby (he's been taking short naps lately). Just so you know, I learn lessons daily and most of them are repeats.